Coworker Conflict Resolution Playbook

A self-service checklist for two colleagues in conflict. Open it together, work through it, tick boxes as you go.
Derived from the Conflict Resolution chapter of The Manager's Handbook.

1. Start here — what kind of conflict is this?

Pick the line that best matches your situation and jump to that section.

• We disagree about an idea, plan, or decision → §3 Productive debate
• A tactical decision is stuck in circular discussion → §4a Tactical
• Something went wrong (a mistake was made) and it needs addressing → §4b Performance
• I don't feel heard by a teammate / there's small recurring friction → §4c Interpersonal
• Trust has broken down — we're avoiding each other, talking past each other → §5 Clearing conversation

Rule of thumb: tackle it early, don't let it fester. Every section below gets harder the longer you wait.

2. Before you start — the 60-second self-check

Run this before any conflict conversation. If you fail any item, pause until it's resolved.

• Am I calm enough? Check your body: tight chest, flushed face, chill on the skin = not ready yet.
• Am I above or below the line? (Curious, open, learning = above. Defensive, blaming, closed = below.)
• Am I seeking the truth, or seeking to be right? Only the first makes progress.
• Is the other person in a state to hear this? Context before content — if they "don't want to hear it," more words won't help.

Remember: if they change your mind, that's a win. They just error-corrected your model of the world.

3. Tool 1 — Productive debate (for conflicts about ideas)

Trigger: You and a colleague disagree about a plan, design, or decision.

Rapoport's Rules — tick these off in order before you rebut

• Re-express their position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that they'd say "Thanks, I wish I'd put it that way."
• List points of agreement (especially non-obvious ones).
• Name what you learned from them.
• Only now — offer your criticism or rebuttal.

Plus these four commitments

• Truth > being right. Take the ego out of it.
• Hold ideas lightly. Keep your identity small — you are not your idea.
• Speak in absolute truths only. Either facts, or personal truths ("I felt…"). Nothing in between.
• Context over content. If they're not in a curious state, words won't land — reset the room first.

Reframe

• Instead of "you vs. me," make it "us vs. the problem." State your shared goals first. Then team up on the solution.

4. Tool 2 — Issue resolution (pick the right sub-protocol)

4a — Tactical issue (a decision is stuck)

Trigger: A call needs making, but the discussion keeps going in circles.

• Don't bring it up verbally first. Write it down.
• Post it in the Issues and Proposed Solutions section of the relevant meeting's Asana project.
• Include a detailed description of the issue.
• Include your proposed solution — even if you're unsure. "I don't know, but my guess is…" is fine. A flag in the sand drives a faster, better discussion than false humility.

4b — Performance issue (something went wrong)

Trigger: A mistake was made — e.g. a newsletter went to the wrong list.

• Address it immediately in private, or at the next 1:1 — not in a group setting.
• Give the feedback directly, no sandwich needed.
• Agree on a habit or checklist that prevents recurrence (e.g. a pre-send checklist).
• For larger issues: run a post-mortem to capture what to change.

4c — Interpersonal issue (you're not feeling heard)

Trigger: Small recurring friction with a colleague; things feel off but haven't broken.

• Notice: most interpersonal issues come from one or both people not feeling heard.
• Run the mirror loop: both parties take turns saying

  "What I heard was… Is that right?"
  and summarize what the other said.

• Keep looping until each person confirms "yes, that's right."
• If it still doesn't resolve → it's deeper. Go to §5 Clearing conversation. Don't wait.

5. Tool 3 — Clearing conversation (when trust has broken down)

Trigger: You've stopped trusting each other. Avoidance, suspicion of motives, stories accumulating. The mirror loop in §4c wasn't enough.

⚠️ Only start this if you are genuinely willing to let go of being right and take responsibility. If you haven't run one before, get a moderator who has.

5a — Pre-flight checklist

• Run the clearing as soon as possible. Don't let it sit.
• Don't assume or jump to conclusions before the meeting.
• Know where you are on the drama triangle (Villain / Victim / Hero). Brush up on radical responsibility.
• Ask yourself right before starting: "Am I above or below the line?"
• Use the template — seriously. The formula works. Don't ad-lib.
• Be willing to state how you feel and what you need. Vulnerability isn't weakness — it's what people connect to.
• Expect the same in return. If someone punishes you for stating needs and feelings, that's on them.

5b — Set up the room

• Pick a time and place where everyone is in a good headspace.
• In person if at all possible. Remote is better than nothing.
• Assign roles: (1) the person clearing, (2) the person listening to understand, (3) a moderator (ideally experienced).

5c — Opening — create resolution together

All parties look at each other and affirm (a nod is fine):

• "I commit to curiosity and letting go of being right."
• "I commit to taking 100% responsibility for the issue."
• "I commit to creating a win-for-all resolution."

Then: affirm that the other person represents an important and valued relationship.

5d — Clearer's script (say each line, in order)

Introverts: write your answers down beforehand. Extroverts: talk them through. Either way, stick to the script.

1. "The specific FACTS are…" (recordable facts, not judgments)
2. "A STORY I make up about [you / me / the group] is…"
3. "My FEELING is…" (pick from: Angry, Sad, Scared, Creative, Joyful)
4. "I specifically WANT…" (not a demand — a way to be known)
5. "How I CREATED this disconnection with you is…"
6. "PROJECTION: the part of me I see in you that I have an aversion/attraction to is…"

5e — Listener's script (say each line, in order)

1. "What I hear you saying is…" (reflect or paraphrase — do not interpret)
   "Is that RIGHT?" (if not, reflect again)
   "Is there MORE?" (ask with curiosity)
2. "Are you CLEAR? Have you said everything you need to say and felt everything you need to feel?"
   (if yes → continue. If no → back to "is there more?")
3. "Is there a NEXT ACTION step? Who will do what by when?"
4. Appreciate the person for choosing to clear the issue.

If the listener realizes they have their own issue — pause, take a breath, then switch roles and run the script again.

5f — Post-clearing

• Write down the action items during the meeting — don't rely on memory.
• Ratify them out loud with all parties before you leave the room.
• Expect the first step of rebuilt trust: both sides leaving feeling heard.

6. Language cheat sheet

Pin this somewhere visible. Using these phrases prevents most conflicts from starting.

Fact vs. Story vs. Internal Truth

• FACT — provable; recordable; would hold up in court. ("The email went out at 3pm.")
• STORY — an interpretation your brain invented. Label it as one. ("The story in my head is you didn't care.")
• INTERNAL TRUTH — what you felt or thought. Inarguable because it's yours. ("I felt dismissed.")

When in doubt, talk about what you observed, what you felt, and the story in your head — not what you assume is objectively true.

Quick escalation ladder

Ideas disagreement → §3 Rapoport's Rules
↓ (if about a stuck decision)
§4a Write it up with a proposed solution
↓ (if about a mistake)
§4b Feedback + habit
↓ (if about feeling unheard)
§4c Mirror loop
↓ (if trust is broken)
§5 Clearing conversation

This article was originally published on https://craftengineer.com/. It was written by a human and polished using grammar tools for clarity.
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